As you probably read earlier, I'm writing a book. A relationship book to be exact or maybe I should say, lack of relationship book. he he It has been an interesting experience writing about these guys and I think I have learned more about men in the past 2 months then I had known my whole life.
You see, I've loved men since I was born. I think I probably crushed on the doctor that delivered me. I never knew a time in my life where I didn't have some sort of crush on some guy. You know how girls sometimes go through phases where they don't want to be around boys or they don't like them.....yeah, I never had that phase.
So I have been dealing with the up's and down's of these crushes and loves for a very, very long time. Now, unlike most woman who get a break from most of these emotions for the first 12-14 years of their lives, I've NEVER had a break! You can sort of understand why this book would be so important....there is a lot be said!
I remember while living in Japan, as a kid, having a crush on this Japanese superstar Hedeki (have no idea if the spelling is right) and thinking the neighbor boy was cute. This continued all through my childhood. My endless attempts in grade school to get my crush to fall for me (I mean who wouldn't want a personalized Valentines' card given to them?) to finally having a boy like me and almost being suspended because I sort of through a rock in his direction (I think he was cheating on me with my BF Suzi). Wow, that sounds so much more crazy writing it out then it did in my head! Anyway, I fall in like and in love, over and over and over again and have gotten my heart broken over and over and over again. Now I don't want it to sound like I didn't break a few hearts myself, I had my share of ignoring phone calls and "Let's just be friends" talks, but if we did a tally of which was done more, I think I would be the one who has given the Dear Jane letter more then the other way around.
So I have spent many years wondering "What is wrong with me?" and why is it that the guys I like and want to be with, choose not to be with me? I mean, I look pretty decent, I shower and wear deodorant, I brush my teeth and chew minty gum, I even make sure I don't have that yucky stuff in the corner of my eyes from eyeliner makeup. And yet still no offer of marriage. I have been in love and felt like I was going to marry the guy only to discover he imagined someone else taking on his name and calling him their husband.
Wow, I almost feel really bad for myself, that is some really sad stuff! I guess I could mope and be very bitter (i have been bitter at times, I'm talking, like, REALLY bitter) and even let myself go and become someone other people may pity......BUUUUUUTTTTTTT.....I haven't and I won't, I refuse to!!! I just can't go down that path of misery and regret. The best part about loving from such an earlier age is that it has brought me some wonderful experiences, amazing dates, life-long friends.
When I look back at all the men I have liked, loved, dated once, dated more then once, I find that I learned something from each one. Whether it was that, I like for a guy to open my door for me to get in the car, but hate to wait while he walks around his car to get me out, or that I prefer dates that are spontaneous and outdoors, I like guys who are cool, confident, funny, cute and affectionate or that the first kiss with someone you really love is just probably the most fantastical feeling ever. With each experience I have learned something that has helped me become a better version of me (I like to think so anyway).
I've learned that I am not very patient and it's hard for me to wait for the guys to call, text and make the first move, I've learned that I love being hugged (by the guys I like, not by the creepy ones), I've learned that I like being an open book and don't mind sharing how I feel, even if it does get me into trouble sometimes. I've learned that it's o.k. to be vunerable in order for the relationship to grow and that I like for the guy to take charge at times and not always leave it up to me. But most of all I've learned that I am a really sweet,fun, funny, spontaneous, loving and easy to be with type of girlfriend. I look for the best in who I am dating. Now that doesn't mean if he is a jerk I think "Oh, but he is a nicely dressed jerk!" It just means that I don't seek out his faults or weaknesses. I mean, I have them too. I want to be with someone who thinks I am the bomb and when I do mess up, he hugs me, listens to me, offers me insight and tells me I'm still the bomb! I want to be with someone who doesn't want to change me but helps me, in my pursuit, to make, who I already am, better. I think that's why I'd rather wait then just marry the first one who shows interest and could buy me a house. I know what it feels like to be in love and I won't settle for less then that feeling. Besides, I have had some of the most amazing experiences and opportunites in my life and I would have missed out on them had I just hid away and felt sorry for myself. I believe that I should continue to live a great life and when the time is right everything will work out.
When I was born my parents didn't give me a middle name and even though they confused me by adding the middle name Elizabeth to my full name when they were angry with me, it wasn't part of my legal birth certificate name. For years this sort of bothered me and at one point I was ready to legally add a middle name to my birth certificate, but then I realized that Erin McCann is who I am and that when the time comes for my husband and I to get married that I will just be adding his name onto mine, the one that has already been established. So you see, he won't be replacing Erin McCann, he will only be making her better!
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